Friday, June 30, 2006


AAARRRGGGHHH!!!!! GOD HELP ME! This is how I feel now!

How worse can my day begin?
I went to sleep last nite with a terrible toothache! It felt like my roots are exposed but it isn't. Although I have been having toothache for the past 2 weeks though I didn't see any roots exposed. It was terrible!

Had 2 normal paracetamol yesterday afternoon and 2 Panadol Extra before going to bed last nite.

Now, I have just popped in 2 more Panadol Extra. Not enough with my toothache, I got my finger stuck in between the shutter while I was opening it this morning. So, imagine my finger stuck in between the shutter and its frame while it's rolling up! I can't do much since I was holding my coffee peng on the other hand. I decided to just pull my finger out and OOOUUCCH!!!!.... I think it's swelling now!

Have arranged for a dentist appointment tomorrow. OOoohh Dr.Wong....i'm coming!

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

I heard my mum.....

I'm not making this up and I'm sure what I heard....

last nite, when I was about to go to bed, I heard a voice calling 'SIVA'.
'Siva' is my pet name at home. And I recognised that voice. I'm pretty sure.

It's my mum's voice! I'm not kidding. I woke up, looked around and found nothing and went back to sleep. I was not sleeping at that time, were about to.

Am I imagining things? Is it simply because I miss her so much? I don't know.
I heard what I heard.

I miss you mum.

Friday, June 23, 2006

My Trauma......explained

With the kind of dominating relationship I had before...where everything I do is not right, not enough, not good, not fair, etc I was slowly moving into a mode where I had a very very low self-esteem.

I tend to think, probably I am such a person who can't really get anything right. Not good enough for her, not good enough for anyone. I had that thought about me.

There were times, when I made her cry I will hate myself so much so that I will punch my face until it bruises and bleeds at times. I have burnt myself, punched walls continuously until I had hairline cracks in my bone, choked myself, bit myself, pulled my hair. I did everything that may harm me but not kill me and that was turning out to me a way for me to get out of the pressure I was enduring. This personality of mine was never known to anyone around me. Absolutely no one!

When ever someone notices the bruises on my face, I will simply claim I fell on the stairs or something like that. Sincerely, I lead a double life. With this revelation, I know it's going to be a shocker to some of you whom have known me personally.

But, with the whole relationship ended, on my side definitely. I am a lot more calmer. My self esteem have been higher. I can think without any disturbance. I am at peace.

I am over coming the dark side of my history. Close to get over it for good.

I realised, this behaviour of mine is not new. There are even organizations that help people with this disorder known as SI. So help, those who need it if you can. By God's grace I managed to over come it myself with some help from others.

To those who have been with me throughout this ordeal, I would like to say Thanks. I love you.


This is a poem by our legendary poet Usman Awang. No disrespect to Melayu. In fact, in this context Melayu refers to Malaysians!

Usman Awang

Melayu itu orang yang bijaksana
Nakalnya bersulam jenaka
Budi bahasanya tidak terkira
Kurang ajarnya tetap santun
Jika menipu pun masih bersopan
Bila mengampu bijak beralas tangan

Melayu itu berani jika bersalah
Kecut takut kerana benar
Janji simpan di perut
Selalu pecah di mulut
Biar mati adat
Jangan mati anak

Melayu di Tanah Semenanjung luas maknanya:
Jawa itu Melayu, Bugis itu Melayu
Banjar juga disebut Melayu,
Minangkabau memang Melayu,
Keturunan Acheh adalah Melayu,
Jakun dan Sakai asli Melayu,
Arab dan Pakistani, semua Melayu
Mamak dan Malbari serap ke Melayu
Malah mua'alaf bertakrif Melayu
(Setelah disunat anunya itu)

Dalam sejarahnya
Melayu itu pengembara lautan
Melorongkan jalur sejarah zaman
Begitu luas daerah sempadan
Sayangnya kini segala kehilangan

Melayu itu kaya falsafahnya
Kias kata bidal pusaka
Akar budi bersulamkan daya
Gedung akal laut bicara

Malangnya Melayu itu kuat bersorak
Terlalu ghairah pesta temasya
Sedangkan kampung telah tergadai
Sawah sejalur tinggal sejengkal
Tanah sebidang mudah terjual

Meski telah memiliki telaga
Tangan masih memegang tali
Sedang orang mencapai timba
Berbuahlah pisang tiga kali
Melayu itu masih bermimpi

Walaupun sudah mengenal universiti
Masih berdagang di rumah sendiri
Berkelahi cara Melayu
Menikam dengan pantun
Menyanggah dengan senyum
Marahnya dengan diam
Merendah bukan menyembah
Meninggi bukan melonjak

Watak Melayu menolak permusuhan
Setia dan sabar tiada sempadan
Tapi jika marah tak nampak telinga
Musuh dicari ke lubang cacing
Tak dapat tanduk telinga dijinjing
Maruah dan agama dihina jangan
Hebat amuknya tak kenal lawan

Berdamai cara Melayu indah sekali
Silaturrahim hati yang murni
Maaf diungkap senantiasa bersahut
Tangan diulur sentiasa bersambut
Luka pun tidak lagi berparut

Baiknya hati Melayu itu tak terbandingkan
Selaga yang ada sanggup diberikan
Sehingga tercipta sebuah kiasan:
"Dagang lalu nasi ditanakkan
Suami pulang lapar tak makan
Kera di hutan disusu-susukan
Anak di pangkuan mati kebuluran"

Bagaimanakah Melayu abad dua puluh satu
Masihkan tunduk tersipu-sipu ?
Jangan takut melanggar pantang
Jika pantang menghalang kemajuan;
Jangan segan menentang larangan
Jika yakin kepada kebenaran;
Jangan malu mengucapkan keyakinan
Jika percaya kepada keadilan

Jadilah bangsa yang bijaksana
Memegang tali memegang timba
Memiliki ekonomi mencipta budaya
Menjadi tuan di negara Merdeka


I have never been this particular about money people owe me.
The people who are close to me will know this.

But, I have learnt my lesson. When people owe me money, they owe me BLOODY MONEY!
I've earned my money, so you earn yours.

Do I look like someone you can cheat??? A****LES!

Here are the culprits, I'm putting them onto this Hall of Shame without any doubt!

1) David. This guy calls himself as my friend! A friend I will never claim I knew.
First, he cheated me on my insurance money for 2 years. I have been paying him my monthly premium and never bothered to ask for my receipt, as I thought he is not that kinda guy. But guess what, the truth hurts. He IS that kinda guy. Cheat, liar, con man!

Even after that episode, I have forgiven him. And stupidly loaned him RM 300 last month with a specific instruction to return it by 10th June. He said 'Don't worry, I will return your money as I promise'

It's 23rd now, he is not even answering my calls. LIAR. CHEATER. YOU WILL LOOSE MORE THAN WHAT YOU OWE ME!!!!

2) Mak Cik! Ok, in this case probably I have been conned. But she appeared naive, helpless and poor. I knew this mak cik for less than a month before she asks me to loan her SGD 300. She said she will pay me back monthly SGD 50. She said it's ok for me to charge interest. I said, I'm not a chetti. Just return my money. So, the first month she returned SGD 100. Then she went missing! I have her phone number, been trying to this day but no answer. It's been 2 years now!
WHERE IS MY MONEY!!!! If you can't return it, its ok. Just tell me. Now, I seriously considering of HARAM-ing that money! I'm serious. I know roughly how bad it is for an Islam to spend moned which has been HARAM-ed. Serves you rite!

3) Amanah Saham Wawasan. Now, I have invested RM 200 in year 1994. It's been 12 years. I don't know what happened. No statements, nothing. And guess what, I thought they might have some website with help-line number for me to call. But I can't find it. If you guys have it, please pass it to me!

Why oh why! Give back my money!

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

It's 'her' again

Well, with no phone calls from her for almost 2 weeks I thought things are finally settled.
Apparently it isn't.

I've received an email from her with just an attachment of our photo together, taken some time back. I received this email a day after she claimed she is leaving to NZ.

Being an IT guy I am, I tracked the emails originating IP and guess what, the email was sent from PETALING JAYA. I didn't know there's PJ too in NZ! She didn't even leave the country, she just went back to her hostel! Well, not that it matters to me.

Yesterday had a phone call from her again.
She said the parents are upset, and she will change herself just to be with me and stuffs.
This is the girl once I loved, or at least I tried. I have changed myself so much for her. I was growing into a mould she wants me to be. I failed, fortunately. I decided to quit and move on. She hasn't. Why? Coz she loves me? May be, but i'm just not sure. She cries saying that she grew up with the principal of loving one guy and get married to him. Going by this statement, I'm needed to up-hold her principal! What about me? My feelings? My needs? My space?

I'm not saying she is abusive, unfaithful or anything of that sort. She is an excellent girl. She is faithful beyond doubt. She just can't be with me, and I just continuosly failed to keep her happy. I've tried, failed, tried again and failed most definitely. I called it quit. I, had the final say, at least.

She is free now. But, NOW, she cries saying she only can think of the good things I have done for her. I have been great to her, she claims. No one looked after her like I had, said this too. Well, its all too late now. The damage is done. I've moved on.

I'm not saying that I have been great neither. I had a lot of short comings. Did a lot of nonsenses. Did this, and didn't do that. I am imperfect. I am HUMAN.

I just wished her good luck and said, please take care of yourself. May god bless you.

I'm moving on, certainly. No doubt about it. Enough of tears, cries, pains and everything that came with it.

Dear God, please bless her and give her strength to move on. May the right one come her way, and she will be in right hands.

I'm resigned to the fate.

Saturday, June 17, 2006

Post-Mortem : Dinner Date

So, as it went, the dinner was somehow ok.

I left office at 5.00 pm as I planned. But not to Jason's but to my clients office!!!

5.15pm- at clients office.
5.30pm- still at clients office!
5.45pm - still stuck! Oh my god...i'm late. I had to do shopping and head home to cook!
finally 5.50pm I left the clients off to rush to Jason.
Thankfully, the market is only 2 MRT stations away from my place. I gave myself time until 6.30 to shop and be back so I can get everything ready by 8.30 pm.

And the list I made of what to buy before leaving my office really helped me to focus.
So I bought all these items...

1) Chopped Almond
2) Asparagus
3) Baby Corns
4) Mint Leaves
5) Capsicum (Red + Yellow)
6) Brussel Sprouts
7) Tofu
8) Maggie Soup Seasoning
9) Pepper Powder
10) Chilly Flake
11) Lemon infused Olive Oil
12) Mango Chutney
13) Ginger
and reached home by 6.45. Oh gosh, I'm late!

So I quickly prepared all the ingredients needed for the cutlet, asparagus, brussels and soup.

As it happened, I changed my menu a bit on the last minute...

1) Soup - tofu, potato, baby corn, capsicum with Maggie seasoning and a bit of pepper and chilly flakes and GARAM MASALA!!!!.
Well, when I was about to bring the flame down and pour the soup to its bowl...then I realised the tofu is no where to be seen in the soup! What happened! Diluted? Can't be. The I realised I didn't even put it in! so I boiled the soup extra 10 minutes and it's done.

2) Asparagus with Almond. Make that roasted Almond. - I roasted the almonds, and stir fried the asparagus with minimal oil and a bit of water. Was trying to keep it crunchy. Then I added a bit of Maggie Soy Sauce, a bit of Aminah Hassan thick soy souce and added half of the roasted almond into it. So the flavor of almond will be absorbed into asparagus. Then I carefully fished out only the asparagus to a plate. Leaving the Almond with the other ingredients in the wok. So, I added a bit of water and some garlic chilly sauce just enough to make it a shiny gravy to be poured onto the asparagus. Then I added the gravy with almond which is in red colour onto the asparagus and added the rest of the roasted almonds to it to add colour to the dish.

3) Brussels - I was trying to make it as spicy as I can. So I put capsicum, chilly, chilly flakes, sambal chilly into it. With some baby corn to go with it. Turned out.....I should have boiled the brussels first! I didn't taste it until the guest was home. So perhaps, next time I will do better.

4) Cutlet- Cutlet to my horror turned out to be the worst dish of the day! I over cooked 2 of them, and almost over cooked the other 2. Finally I managed to save only 1 1/2 of the cutlets. :(

5) Skewed Fruits - had honey dey, kiwi, strawberry and manggo skewed for desert.

6) Final Desert was Haagen Dazs vanila Ice cream on rose stem with daisy, rose petal and mint leaf. This is the best of the lot apart from my Asparagus.

So, all done by 9.00 pm! GOSH I AM LATE! Super LATE!
Then I was informed the guest had to work late. :(
The person can only make it around 10.30. So I was like, what the heck....Argentina game was on TV I could still catch it. HE HE HE.

Happily I watched the game which ended 6-0 to Argies. Had my shower, re-heated the dishes and waited for my guest. She turned up finally at 11.00 pm. We were so hungry that I forgot to snap the dishes served. I only realised it when we were about to have out desert. So, here are the 2 photos...

The vanila ice-cream on rose stem with rose and daisy petals. Garnished with mint leaves.

Simple Fruit Skew

Friday, June 16, 2006

So I have a guest tonite....

Finally, I managed to convince someone to visit me tonite to try out my cooking!
Gosh, hopefully that person is well insured....

Anyway, to the dear friends I have here..I need your help.....
Urgent help..need it by 5.00 pm today....

Well, for a starter I'm frying plain vegetable cutlet with some onion, chilly and probably I will get some capsicum later....

As the side dish, I have definitely decided on trying out
(1) Asparagus with Almond.
(2) Spicy Brussels with capsicum and baby corn, with a sprinkle of pepper and olive oil.
This is to go with rice of course.

While for the dessert, I'm having chopped strawberry and mango with chocolate + maple syrup with a sprinkle of frozen baking choc and vanilla ice-cream scoop.

Drinks, I'm going to prepare a simple Bundaberg Root Beer with a table spoon of Mango puree.

I HAVE NO IDEA AT ALL!!!!...please help!

I need something simple and a vegetarian dish for sure.......please help me...

p/s: Some of the recipe I got it from

p/p/s: Updated at 3.35 pm. Bought some stuff over the lunch hour and dropped by my house for a while. I bought some colourful daisies and roses just to add the feel to the house and set it up at the living room. Bought Bundaberg root beer and Haagen Daas vanila ice cream. Bought some sweet mango, kiwi and honey dew to add to my strawberry at home as a desert. Planning to try something new with the rose stem (cleaned of course) for the presentation. Hopefully it turns out fine. Will try to take photos of it too.....Sharp 5.00 pm I'm leaving and heading to Jason's. I think by now, you guys could have figured out the GENDER of my guest rite?.....I definitely know Pu1Pu3 knew it the moment she dropped by my blog!.. he he he......

Thursday, June 15, 2006

Minnows can be interesting too...

It's World Cup fever everywhere....even my hair stylist whom I visited yesterday for a haircut was talking about it. Although she watch no game.

So, at nite after watching Fahrenheit 9/11 for the first time (!!!!) i was watching the supposedly lousy game between Tunisia and Saudi.

When talking about World Cup, it's only about the powerhouses such as Germany, Brasil, Italy, Argentina, England, France and the under dogs such as Spain, Holland, Czechs and the dark horses such as Portugal, Ghana, South Korea, Japan, and a few other teams with enough talent to make the mark.

Tunisia, Saudi, Iran doesn't even get the mention of being the team to reckon for... but after watching the game between Tunisia and Saudi last nite.....which was so far, as commented by the commentator, THE GAME OF THE TOURNAMENT! It has everything, decent tactic, heart pumping action, nerve wrecking results, goals, tactical subs....

the result was 2 - 2....but for those who have watched it will agree that it's a lot, I mean, A LOT better than England against Paraguay (which Eng won 1-0)!

Now, beat that English Dogs!

Lydia's Needs Title!

Well, I have visited her blog via Pu1Pu3's.
Interestingly Lydia is a well-known author of Life’s Like That – Scenes from Malaysian Life.

Now, she needs out help in finding a new title for the SEQUEL of her first book.

for more info, and to drop your valuable ideas...please visit


Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Citizen M and MY country

I know this post can be deadly, but I am trying not to be political and going against the government of MY country. I am merely stating my opinion to a handfull audience I have on this blog. Not meant to be a propaganda, nor a campaign.

With all the issues happening in MY country of Citizen M questioning the current PM and the PM maintaining the elegant silence, I have seen people divided in their opinions. Some say the OLD DOG BARKS TOO MUCH. Some says, the new dog ISN'T BARKING AT ALL!

Whatever said and done, in my humble opinion Citizen M is teaching, or trying to imply the one quality missing from MY fellow countrymen. QUESTION YOUR GOVERNMENT!

May be Citizen M wouldn't have liked it when he was at the pinnacle. But he knows the people had to have it, the QUESTIONING MENTALITY. He is leading the way once again. Learn it people. QUESTION YOUR GOVERMENT. In a proper way of course. Don't start a war, picketing, riot, or whatever that will disrupt the nations peace. But question via forums, newspaper, public polls, or whatever medium and get the answers right away. I have been learning more about MY country in the past 1 year than ever before. (That's the period I started paying attention to the issue of course).

So, question and get answers.

Disclaimer : I am not siding any political party, nor am I against any political party. My opinion is a mere opinion not to be used as a propaganda.

What a day it was, and what a day its going to be...

Yesterday was very 'fruitful' to an extent...

Finished work at 5.30 pm and was able to rush for a project discussion with couple of guys at 5.45 pm. So we sat at McDonalds at Funan IT Mall which comes with a free wireless access and had a discussion on some new marketing tool. I had the meeting with 2 other guys; 1 is a very young entreprenuer minded some-sort of a rich guy with lots of money but dunno what to do; the other is a Regular NS guy who is some sort of an officer in the Singapore Army. The discussion was good, and we have decided to look further into the idea. My involvement will be limited as I know I have different plans ahead of me.

For some reason, when good things happen it will happen all at the same time for me.

Had another opportunity from Pangkor last week, to join them as Business Development Exec.
Have not discussed in detail yet but planning to meet the guy. You know it's best to keep the options open. Rite?

Well, right after the meeting yesterday I went down to Jason's Market Place at Raffles City. I was tired of doing my grocery shopping at NTUC market at Tanjong Pagar. They have limited and very localized vegetables. The visit to Jason's really made my day. I was able to find a lot of vegetables that I wanted to try, brussels, asparagus, etc. So this Friday I'm going to have my shopping done there and have a good, good, good dinner and probably I can invite a dinner mate too!

For today, I've had my usual Coffee Peng and Toasted Bread. The aunties and uncle at the coffee shop have really started knowing my all I have to do nowadays are just pay, smile, get my stuffs, smile and say 'thank you...bye bye'.....

Hope to have a nice too

Monday, June 12, 2006

Don't babysit me anymore...i'm 27!

The thing about family is that it is never like a firm!

I mean, in a firm you'll have your Director elected, the Deputy or Acting Dir., managers, and then the staffs all appointed. No misleads. No confusions. The rank and file are there for everyone to see.

In a family, its way times it work wonders, at other times it fails miserably.

Ever since mum passed away, I have seen more than 1 person trying to be resposible for my being. I appreciate it. Yes, definitely. After all, I'm talking about my own blood here.

But, at 27 I'm good enough for myself. I can take care of myself. If I'm sick, I know where the clinic is. If I'm hungry, I know how to walk to a food stall and order my food. If I'm tired, I know where the TV and couch is in my rented apartment. I will be fine. I am.

I love my siblings, no doubt. But, they are just trying too much to take care of me. You guys have your own family, kid(s) to raise and domestic affairs to be sorted out. Please leave me out of the picture and look into it.

Last weekend, I realised how doing something that I have been doing all this while can hurt someone. Well, I have been hibernating at my elder brothers house for as long as I can remember. So, since Jan, I have been continuing the same. Just that I have reduced my trips to mum's house. Not that I don't want to go but the memories are still too strong for me go there and pretend as I feel nothing about it. Not that I don't care, but I have my personal reasons.

So, I found out that my hibernation caused some sort of displeasure with my other 2 siblings.
I have never showed any favouritism, may be I was trying to avoid my sis, but thats different story. They would have felt that way, may be. As a damage control measure, I spent the Sunday with my sis and sent my second brother a SMS saying 'SORRY'.

I realised, that I can't be holding on to my sorry feelings for too long. I have to pick up pace with my life and move on. So, I have decided that the next time I'm going back to KL, I'm heading to mum's house straight! With or without anyone waiting. I just have to send the message that I'm old enough for myself.

I'm learning about life more and more everyday.

Thursday, June 08, 2006


Cinta, aku abadikan,
Cintaku, aku abadikan

Cinta, aku sirami jiwa
Cinta, aku taburi raga
Cinta, aku jaga di telapak tangan,
Cintaku, tak terjaga.

Cintaku, aku sayangi,
Cintaku, aku dalami,
Cintaku, aku selami,
Cinta, melemaskan aku.

Cinta, aku abadikan,
Cintaku, aku abadikan
Demi cinta, aku diabdikan.

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

666 - The Omen

so.....finally it's here.....6 - 6 - 6!

when The Omen came out in 1976.....they couldn't find the right date to release it...
still, they went ahead with the 666 devil concept....

in 1999, The End of the Days (arnold) twisted this tale and said...(1)999 is what its suppose to be and not 666. Well, it made sense with all those Y2K bug hype and claims....

in 2006 now, on June 6...we have Julia Stiles doing the histronics....
(0)6-(0)6-(0)6 .....The Omen released in theatres last nite special mid-nite show...

I am going for the show today at 9.15 pm...I made a mental note to definitely watch it on 666 and I am going to make it. Tickets have been booked.

Sandwich... I wish

somehow my project was completed.....although delayed by a day....but managed to keep the client happy for now....although I know there are more tedious work left in it....but that's a later worry.

last Sunday....I cooked a special sandwich for myself....which I have no idea what made me to do it... btw, it's just a lame sandwich...

i fried 2 eggs (not mine!). One with oil and soy sauce, the other with oil and Garam Masala.
The smell? Excellent. The taste? Weird. Satisfied? somewhat.

So, with 2 eggs in hand (DON'T GET ANY OTHER IDEAS OK!) I prepared 3 slices of Gardenia bread. 2 toasted, 1 just a plain slice. And I arranged it as per below

Toasted slice,

oil+soy sauce egg,

garlic chilly sauce,

plain slice,

garam masala+oil egg,

garlic chilly sauce,

cheese (I KNOW I KNOW....i don't eat, but I did put it it),

a sprinkle of Aminah Hassan thick soy sauce,

Toasted slice.


What a feast that was!

p/s: after a day, I washed the wok last nite!