My Trauma......explained

With the kind of dominating relationship I had before...where everything I do is not right, not enough, not good, not fair, etc I was slowly moving into a mode where I had a very very low self-esteem.

I tend to think, probably I am such a person who can't really get anything right. Not good enough for her, not good enough for anyone. I had that thought about me.

There were times, when I made her cry I will hate myself so much so that I will punch my face until it bruises and bleeds at times. I have burnt myself, punched walls continuously until I had hairline cracks in my bone, choked myself, bit myself, pulled my hair. I did everything that may harm me but not kill me and that was turning out to me a way for me to get out of the pressure I was enduring. This personality of mine was never known to anyone around me. Absolutely no one!

When ever someone notices the bruises on my face, I will simply claim I fell on the stairs or something like that. Sincerely, I lead a double life. With this revelation, I know it's going to be a shocker to some of you whom have known me personally.

But, with the whole relationship ended, on my side definitely. I am a lot more calmer. My self esteem have been higher. I can think without any disturbance. I am at peace.

I am over coming the dark side of my history. Close to get over it for good.

I realised, this behaviour of mine is not new. There are even organizations that help people with this disorder known as SI. So help, those who need it if you can. By God's grace I managed to over come it myself with some help from others.

To those who have been with me throughout this ordeal, I would like to say Thanks. I love you.